I'm too blitzed to be detailed with this. As of a few minutes ago I got the notification that Sweet Dreams Are Made Of Teeth was approved for the Smashwords Premium Catalog. They gave me a free ISBN and it will be going on Barnes and Noble, Apple, Diesel, Kobo, and Sony. Oh, and Amazon under Smashwords' publishing header whenever they get things worked out with Amazon. Soon KDP may be unnecessary, an interesting idea.
The upshot for others considering using Smashwords to self-publish: It takes about two weeks for a book to be reviewed for the Premium Catalog. After every revision, that two weeks starts over. Once it's approved, like it was tonight, it may take as much as three more weeks to actually go on those catalogs. I don't understand why it would take that long, since it's approved, but they 'ship' to publishers weekly and once received it takes about two more weeks to integrate the title into those publishers' catalogs.
Thank you all, and tip your waitress.
PS - Oh, and we learned that I was right about what was wrong with the book, and the previously mentioned formatting instructions did fix it!